ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”