God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision