if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
You Might Also Like
Finally
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.