WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
They grow up so quick
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The A string on my guit_r is flat
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable