My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.