“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
no regrets
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.