Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Go hard or stay average
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Dammit Chief not again
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
just pretend nothing happened
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.