My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
You Might Also Like
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Unexpected Judgment
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Come back with a warrant
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.