[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.