Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England