*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
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*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.