Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
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Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.