“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car