School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.