*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
You Might Also Like
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Netflix and you sit over there.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table