For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.