me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Bruh PLEASE
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee