fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
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[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?