Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31