Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together