do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
You Might Also Like
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)