Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
You Might Also Like
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
👾👾👾
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything