Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
You Might Also Like
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Easy enough.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me when I wear 4 inch heels