My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
You Might Also Like
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Science memes
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.