spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
#damn
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*