The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: