The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Um … Hot Wings please
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.