“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.