hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
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me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
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eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.