*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Last-minute gift idea!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me