[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Happy Thanksgiving
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?