JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118