I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island