4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*