i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
u guys got any snacks onboard here