I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today