When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
The pasta is now
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms