It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
There are no pants in heaven.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.