me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
You Might Also Like
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.