my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
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I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
cat vs inanimate object
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”