ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
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*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
selfie game
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon