My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Bloody internet 😳
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.