My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!