They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.