Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.