I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
They did not think through this water fountain
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
tourist season
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent: