Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.