You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
subtitles are so good nowadays
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.