Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.