Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I support this random dude and all his protests
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU